Its been a frustrating summer for me. After years in school I graduated with high hopes to pursue the career I’ve been dreaming of. A long summer of waiting on the paperwork needed to pursue a job filled me with anxiety, doubt, and frustration. At long last, when my paperwork arrived a sense of relief washed over me. It seems as though that relief was to be short lived. All the jobs were spoken for. Application after application, online profiles… I can go on and on.
Its honestly hard to pick my head up most days. Knowing that there really wasn’t anything I could have done differently helps, but still depression is as linked to me as my shadow is. In my heart I know it will work out the way it is supposed to. But sometimes its too much. I want to be a grown up. I want to be able to provide. I was invited to the mountains by my brother and his family, as they know firsthand how my summer has gone. I jumped at the chance, knowing that I’d be alone essentially either way. I got some great time with my nephews and nieces, and got the chance to relax in the beautiful mountains of North Georgia, secluded and literally miles away from anything.
I went hiking with my family in the morning, but when it came time for nap-time, I occupied myself in the serene peacefulness that accompanies such wild surroundings. I hiked by myself. I took long drives through mountain roads where I didn’t see another car for 2 hours. I sat outside and drank cup after cup after cup of coffee, enjoying the acidic and potent smell of my black Ethiopian and Peruvian coffee mixed with the smell of the surrounding pines, dirt, and constantly hovering mists that is an unmistakable mark of those beautiful mountains.
On a side trip, I went to visit the Biltmore Estate and Asheville, North Carolina. Being a history and architecture nerd, this was one place I have always wanted to visit. It did not disappoint. Being totally alone, without my family on this trip, had the effect of ‘centering’ me; I don’t know how else to describe it. I got lost, with some pleasure I might add, as I listened to music and wandered down paths that I did not know the destination of.
As I come back to reality, I once again find myself fighting depression and anxiety. I have no idea my destination. But unlike wandering down those beautiful paths through the fields and forests, I have no idea what path I’m even on. My only hope is that I can find ways to enjoy my surroundings as much as I did then.