So like any sane person I decided to go on vacation the day after I quit my job. I have tons of family up in New England, so I mapped myself out a good path, packed, threw Albert in the car and we set out. I grew up taking ridiculous month long road trips from Florida to California and back to Florida via Asia. So I’m used to being in a car for a long time; Albert is not. When we drive up to Savannah (which is only 4 and ½ hours from where we live) he whines and complains about how he never wants to be in a car ever again. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous about a 26 hour drive from one extreme of the country to another. But it all went well.
If anyone else knows what this is, we are probably best friends.
I can see my personals ad now. “I love porn, history, sex, and hiking!” That actuall makes it sound like I’m going to take sex photos while hiking to a historical site in the mountains. Actually, that doesn’t sound all that bad.
Just like this actually
The second night I thought that it would be fun to stop in New York City, spend the night, catch up with some friends and just enjoy ourselves a bit. We arrived much sooner than I thought we would and headed out to 5th avenue to do some shopping. What really happened is that Albert went shopping and I looked at the architecture. We then made our way to central park and I stood in line to go to the bathroom as a homeless guy, who sounded just like Bella Lugosi from ‘Dracula’, gave me life advice on how to be successful…
After being idiots for a while, one of our friends there met up with us and we walked to dinner. It was Cinco de Mayo, so we went to this Mexican restaurant. Another friend I hadn’t seen in about 7 years met up with us and we shared some laughs over dinner, shouting across a table because the music was turned all the way up, plus another ten notches. Level 11, if anyone gets the ‘Spinal Tap’ reference.
Dinner was great and we stood outside and tried to decide what to do. Then, the greatest phrase I’ve ever heard in my life was uttered by one of the friends- “Hey, I know where we can get $4 margaritas if you want to do that…” She actually didn’t finish the sentence, I shouted YES at her during the middle of the word ‘margarita.’ So, off we went.
After getting a seat we ordered. I got a Guava margarita because I’m way too gay for my own good, and shortly after it arrived. Then, my genius friend had yet another genius idea. “We should play never have I ever!” I remember going to FSU and playing it, and it was always a good time. For those of you who don’t know what it is, here is the quick rundown. It’s a drinking game where one person says, “Never have I ever…” and then says something sexual that they’ve never done.
Those who are whores Those who have done it drink. The point being the biggest whores get drunk first. You also learn a lot about your friends. Too much in fact.
I started. “Never have I ever been in an Orgy- and to clarify, that’s more than 3 people.” Only one person drank. He looked kind of ashamed, set his drink down and said, “It was 9 people.” We burst out laughing and got lots of dirty looks. In the end, we all finished our drinks- although that particular friend had to order another margarita.
Its like ‘Where’s Waldo?”, but if Waldo was naked and one of your good friends.
After we got sick of people staring at us for being way too loud – and this is in NYC mind you, so we must have been pretty fucking loud- we set off to find a bathroom. As we leave, the genius friend who has all the amazing ideas says, “FYI, I tend to slap some random guy’s ass when I’m drunk.” Haha, yeah I’m sure, whatever. No, no… she was quite serious.
A block away, this unassuming guy is walking with his girlfriend when she strikes. This wasn’t some gentle tap on the ass. This was full force, use all your strength to swing, kinda hit. The guy jumped. “What the fuck you stupid skank?!” I was drunk, so I laughed, but it was definitely a nervous laugh because people get shot for less than that in NYC. And in the 7 blocks or so we walked she accosted about 5 guys. One she just walked up to and stroked the side of his face… I thought he was going to get a boner right there. The look on his face was instant love. Another guy got his nipple tweaked- that one I didn’t turn around to look at his reaction. We eventually just put her in the middle of us and walked her safely to where she needed to be.
I honestly can’t believe that she does this on a regular basis. I seriously hope that she always has someone to walk her home from the bar, because that’s a headline if I’ve ever heard. Al and I laughed about it the entire way back to the hotel, and then again the next morning as we finished the drive up to Vermont.
When we got to Vermont we sat out on my cousin’s deck, staring off into the beautiful mountains. She told us about her recent trip to Ireland… where she got slapped on the ass walking home from a bar. At least now I know this isn’t an isolated American incident.