grindr

Personal Blog: Post 5- My Picture.

A few months ago I was going out with Albert and a few of his friends. We were at the door, ready to go in and they all waved their phones at the man at the counter and walked in, cover free. I… was not so lucky. What I didn’t know, was that in addition to telling you where the closest available dick is, Grindr also acts as a coupon to some gay clubs. I tried flashing my smile, but apparently Grindr is worth more. “That’ll be seven dollars.” Fuck. I thought at the time this was less of a cover charge and more of a monogamous relationship fee. Luckily, I have a wonderful boyfriend who paid the cover (and bought my drinks). He explained that he downloaded the app just before going in, because he knew they offered free entry if you showed it. As far as I know, he thinks I believe that. And if he understands that I know he already had it on his phone, he now knows that I trust him. Hope you all followed that.

Fast forward a few weeks. Last weekend we were going out to the biggest gay club in Orlando, Parliament House, for the “White Party.” I was showered and ready. White undies? Check. Blue jeans? Check. White shirt? Ugh, I only have one, but check. I look in the mirror. Is this, seriously as decked out in white as I can be? Albert, however, didn’t even have a single sliver of white in any of his clothes, and my best friend Sarah didn’t even try. So, I felt better about myself.

“Al? How much is the cover?” I inquired. “Download grindr, then it’ll be free.” PERMISSION! YES! All it took was a quick visit to the app store and confirmation that I was, in fact, over the age of 18. Not that it would stop me if I wasn’t. Promiscuity in hand, we set out. Now, I’m sparing you what actually happened when we went out and getting right to the point of this post:the next day I’m at my second home, Starbucks, doing homework and find myself in need of a break. I pull out my phone, and go to play Angry Birds when I notice it…

The combination skull/ orange background. Eh, why not. I log on. Soon, I’m prompted to make a profile. I choose my favorite photo of myself and make sure to hit ‘partnered.’ Now I’m grinding. Isn’t this fun? The whole idea of grindr, frankly, creeps me out though. I really don’t want people knowing how close I am to them, especially if I don’t know them. The internet is anonymous; you really can be anyone, and I think people forget that. Its really easy to snap a picture of a hot guy, say it is you, and troll on every twink in a 5 mile radius. Not that I would know from experience or anything.

” I’m 6 feet, 190 pounds of solid muscle, around ten inches or so”

Please note: that is not me.

 

Pretty soon I start getting messages. “Hey stud” “HOT” “looking to play?” “Top?” “NSA head?” Wow, overload here. I put it away for a bit, tackle economics and get back to it when I’m done. 17 fucking messages?!? WTF? I read through them. Only a handful say something family friendly like “hello!” The rest I could write an erotic novel with; just one where all the romance is skipped and the characters get right to the fucking. Then, I hit the last message. Before I reveal the content of the message, you need to see my picture. Well, to be specific, the picture I loaded to my profile.

Gasp! There I am!

 

Revealing, I know. Now: the message. “Hot chin!”

Really? I mean, common. Really?!? How are you going to judge how someone looks based on a terrible photo on their chin? Is that a good clue as to how hot someone is? If so, how many people would be jerking off to cartoons like American Dad?

All in all, most people were pretty cool, but there definitely were some wierdos. One memorable conversation was going well; we were chatting about the weather and movies that we liked. All of a sudden… dick pic. But then the conversation continued like nothing happed. Hello? Are you even going to acknowledge the fact that you just sent me an unsolicited picture of your cock? It’s the internet equivalent of flashing. Now, if our conversation had been going in that direction I could understand it. But, I mention the release of titanic, and somehow your dick makes an appearance? And I sincerely hope he wasn’t trying to compare it to the size of the titanic. If he was, he is a true comic.

“I’ll never let go Jack… Never let go… until you’re done”

Now, I also know that it wasn’t an accident. I know what you have to go through to send a picture, it isn’t something you can really do on accident. And then to just NOT mention the fact that I just saw it. Maybe it was Tourette’s syndrome? Who knows.
There were plenty of people who were there for the same reason that I was: to kill time. Before I knew it, I’d wasted 45 minutes. I was constantly checked to see how close the #1 person was to me, just sto see if he was in the same store. Every person that came in got a crazy ass look from me- I was jumpy and nervous, feared being recognized by the… yes this is about to happen… hairs on my chiny chin chin! And what about the aforementioned batman shirt? Now, when I wear it I fear that people will recognize it and say, “Hey- it’s that hot chin from Grindr!”

On a side note- this personal blog is turning out to be great fun for me, and I really hope you are all enjoying it as well. Next week, I’m pulling out an essay I wrote a year ago, when I was trying to be David Sedaris. Its called – “The Sex Camry” You can look forward to that 😉

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16 thoughts on “Personal Blog: Post 5- My Picture.

  1. I enjoyed your article but please don’t complain about getting positive attention on Grindr because it is hard to come by. I was nice and even though I’m no model, I’ve been complimented on my looks many times by both men and women. So many muscles down here though (you mentioned fake pics)… I was very surprised. Do the rest not use Grindr?? Cause I see them all over!

    1. MiamiFL » I didn’t mean to come across as complaining! I was just surprised that people could surmise my looks from that picture, considering that it shows next to nothing. I can imagine what its like down in Miami! lol

    1. Fred » I didn’t know that there was such a thing! lol Well, until this experience anyway.

  2. Hey don’t understimate your chin! 😉

    I love your personal blog entries, really, they are so fun for people like us 😀 (horny faggots hahaha).
    I’ve had a boyfriend for almost 10 years now and he knows I have Grindr, and it’s no problem at all because we trust each other. I sometimes use it (with a picture that doesn’t reveal my identity, just in case) when I’m bored just to have a fun conversation or, why not, to watch some hot guys. But yes, I’ve had some weird conversations and some unexpected pics (cocks, assholes, assholes with dildos, etc.) in the chat.

    1. Danoperez » I didn’t get an unexpected asshole pic… I really don’t know what I would do if I was chatting about something random and then get a closeup of that. lol.

  3. I haven’t gotten laid in over a year, so I turned to the internet to find a trick. Was talking to someone… a 33yo tall, athletic, blonde, uncut top that wanted to dominate me, he just didn’t have a pic cause hes really discrete. Alright, Ill take a chance and be spontaneous, could be the best fuck Id have in a long long time.

    Who ends up showing at my door? A 40+yo short fat dirty dark haired man. He was driving a new bmw but his clothes were old and dirty. I was so shocked, and creeped out, that the only words that came out of my mouth were… “You don’t look blonde”. He quickly retreated and drove off.

    Later on he messaged me calling me a dick an asshole inconsiderate and so on, so I tell him hes no tall blonde jock like he said he was. However, I didn’t want to be rude or insulting since he was clearly a little loony. So I apologized, and told him if he showed his pics it would avoid any confusion in the future… and I thought it was the end of that, and deleted him.

    5 days later, I get more messages from him. “Are you going to respond to me? Or am I going to have to come talk to you face to face” WHOA! He wanted me to apologize for treating him subhuman. So I ate my pride and I apologized to him, cause now I’m afraid of him. He’s clearly insane, and knows where I live. Hopefully I won’t hear from him again.

    Yea, I haven’t turned to the internet since… and I still haven’t had sex in a year and a half. In my defense, 2 years ago I did talk to someone “discrete” with no pic who turned out to be a brazilian soccer player, visiting here for a couple days to see family, and he had a beautiful cock and ass, just an amazing body and we had incredible sex… we came 5 times that night. On his way out the door, he got hard and told me he couldn’t leave with a hard on, and had to fuck my mouth once more.

    1. mike » Wow! What a story! I can’t believe that he had the gall to be upset and demand an apology! Thats absolutely crazy. Good thing there is a block button. And…. you might need to expand on that Brazilian soccer player story 😉

    2. Yea Some People Can Be Creepy, In My area I used To Have a couple Which They were Both Fat Looking For A 3some, I Automatically Blocked Them Because First I Was I Don’t Talk to People Older Then Me And Also Plus They Very Were Ugly And Fat, But I Totally Understand why You Apologized You Don’t Want Some Crazy Attacking You!! Anyways But I Did Love Your Soccer Story!!! HOT!!!

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