A few months ago I was going out with Albert and a few of his friends. We were at the door, ready to go in and they all waved their phones at the man at the counter and walked in, cover free. I… was not so lucky. What I didn’t know, was that in addition to telling you where the closest available dick is, Grindr also acts as a coupon to some gay clubs. I tried flashing my smile, but apparently Grindr is worth more. “That’ll be seven dollars.” Fuck. I thought at the time this was less of a cover charge and more of a monogamous relationship fee. Luckily, I have a wonderful boyfriend who paid the cover (and bought my drinks). He explained that he downloaded the app just before going in, because he knew they offered free entry if you showed it. As far as I know, he thinks I believe that. And if he understands that I know he already had it on his phone, he now knows that I trust him. Hope you all followed that.
Fast forward a few weeks. Last weekend we were going out to the biggest gay club in Orlando, Parliament House, for the “White Party.” I was showered and ready. White undies? Check. Blue jeans? Check. White shirt? Ugh, I only have one, but check. I look in the mirror. Is this, seriously as decked out in white as I can be? Albert, however, didn’t even have a single sliver of white in any of his clothes, and my best friend Sarah didn’t even try. So, I felt better about myself.
“Al? How much is the cover?” I inquired. “Download grindr, then it’ll be free.” PERMISSION! YES! All it took was a quick visit to the app store and confirmation that I was, in fact, over the age of 18. Not that it would stop me if I wasn’t. Promiscuity in hand, we set out. Now, I’m sparing you what actually happened when we went out and getting right to the point of this post:the next day I’m at my second home, Starbucks, doing homework and find myself in need of a break. I pull out my phone, and go to play Angry Birds when I notice it…
The combination skull/ orange background. Eh, why not. I log on. Soon, I’m prompted to make a profile. I choose my favorite photo of myself and make sure to hit ‘partnered.’ Now I’m grinding. Isn’t this fun? The whole idea of grindr, frankly, creeps me out though. I really don’t want people knowing how close I am to them, especially if I don’t know them. The internet is anonymous; you really can be anyone, and I think people forget that. Its really easy to snap a picture of a hot guy, say it is you, and troll on every twink in a 5 mile radius. Not that I would know from experience or anything.
” I’m 6 feet, 190 pounds of solid muscle, around ten inches or so”
Please note: that is not me.
Pretty soon I start getting messages. “Hey stud” “HOT” “looking to play?” “Top?” “NSA head?” Wow, overload here. I put it away for a bit, tackle economics and get back to it when I’m done. 17 fucking messages?!? WTF? I read through them. Only a handful say something family friendly like “hello!” The rest I could write an erotic novel with; just one where all the romance is skipped and the characters get right to the fucking. Then, I hit the last message. Before I reveal the content of the message, you need to see my picture. Well, to be specific, the picture I loaded to my profile.
Gasp! There I am!
Revealing, I know. Now: the message. “Hot chin!”
Really? I mean, common. Really?!? How are you going to judge how someone looks based on a terrible photo on their chin? Is that a good clue as to how hot someone is? If so, how many people would be jerking off to cartoons like American Dad?
All in all, most people were pretty cool, but there definitely were some wierdos. One memorable conversation was going well; we were chatting about the weather and movies that we liked. All of a sudden… dick pic. But then the conversation continued like nothing happed. Hello? Are you even going to acknowledge the fact that you just sent me an unsolicited picture of your cock? It’s the internet equivalent of flashing. Now, if our conversation had been going in that direction I could understand it. But, I mention the release of titanic, and somehow your dick makes an appearance? And I sincerely hope he wasn’t trying to compare it to the size of the titanic. If he was, he is a true comic.
“I’ll never let go Jack… Never let go… until you’re done”
Now, I also know that it wasn’t an accident. I know what you have to go through to send a picture, it isn’t something you can really do on accident. And then to just NOT mention the fact that I just saw it. Maybe it was Tourette’s syndrome? Who knows.
There were plenty of people who were there for the same reason that I was: to kill time. Before I knew it, I’d wasted 45 minutes. I was constantly checked to see how close the #1 person was to me, just sto see if he was in the same store. Every person that came in got a crazy ass look from me- I was jumpy and nervous, feared being recognized by the… yes this is about to happen… hairs on my chiny chin chin! And what about the aforementioned batman shirt? Now, when I wear it I fear that people will recognize it and say, “Hey- it’s that hot chin from Grindr!”
On a side note- this personal blog is turning out to be great fun for me, and I really hope you are all enjoying it as well. Next week, I’m pulling out an essay I wrote a year ago, when I was trying to be David Sedaris. Its called – “The Sex Camry” You can look forward to that 😉